LoraandBlu

I have learned that you can tell that you found your life-partner when he doesn't just look into your eyes, but he looks into the future in the same direction as you. I have had my share of partners who would just look at me in the eyes and tell me that I AM THE ONE. Unfortunately, I am not Jet Li.

I have learned that to be truly happy, you have to be content with what you have. I learned to appreciate the small things that life has to offer. The way my kids smile and scream MOOOMMMYYY!! when I come home - it's priceless. I have a job that pays enough for me to get by, although Im glad that my sister is always there for me just in case I run out of cash before the next payday (which is quite often). I have a wonderful family who I know will always stand by me. I have a Mom whom I have hurt so many times because of all the bad decisions I made in the past. I have my other sibs Dindin and Iris, who can be quite irritating at times, but I know they always mean well. My Dad, who is always the first to show his disappointment at me, has somehow mellowed down with the coming of his grandson.

My kids are definitely my life. Nina, now 8 years old, will be in 3rd grade this school year. She has grown so much, and when I remember that she used to be so teeny tiny in my arms, I feel like time flew so fast and I hardly enjoyed her toddler years. She is a replica of her Papa Nix, and the naughty-side Im thinking she may have gotten from me. On the other hand, handsome little Koko is no longer a cutie baby boy. He is now in his terrible-two stage and I can totally relate when they said that it is really Terrible Two. I sometimes wish he was but a few months old again, when I could easily cuddle him and rock him to sleep.

I have encountered a lot of single moms and they all have their stories to tell. There is this one friend who also has two kids with different dads. Our difference is, she doesn't deem it necessary to provide for her kids. tsktsk. She would always be borrowing money from officemates, saying that this happened and another tragic event occured in her life. Tragedy always seem to strike during payday though... a lost wallet, a quarrel with a sib, and still an emergency where she had to move out of the house. I know Im not as irresponsible as her, I just hope she wakes up soon enough that she should take care of her kids and not be drinking all the time and job-hopping.

I also know a couple of single moms whom I know deserve every bit of love and attention their kids give them. There's Sonj and Laine - just two of my friends at work whom I salute for bringing up well-rounded kids by themselves.

There are also some moms who could be classified as single though they're married. There's Mommy Tess for instance, who has the tough job of being a mom and dad to both Nina and Nino since Daddy Dingdong is abroad. There is no financial want, but it must be hard to fulfill the roles of both parents to two teeners.

Now that I am a certified single mom, I am scared at what the future may hold. Will my kids detest me? Will they say that I deprived them of the right to have a dad? Will they think that I have not done enough for them? When is enough, enough? I dont know, only time will tell.

Through all these worries, I am glad that I can depend on my family - not just the blood relatives...but the friends who have proved that they will always support what I want to do. The people who will always say "I got your back". The people who are not afraid to criticize me. The people who always believed in me, even when I myself did not believe in anything anymore. Mommy, for always trusting me and knowing I'd turn over a new leaf. Ate Aileen, for always being there in every aspect. Ate Din, for being blunt and stating what you mean. Iris, for taking care of my kiddos when Im asleep. Dad, for being a great grandpa to Nina and Koko. Nix, for being a good provider and dad to Nina. Kiko, for bringing Koko into my life - and for making me realize that I am worth more than you could ever imagine. Edu, for always making me feel wanted. Nina, for being kind of cute while irritating me, especially when Im alseep. Koko, for showing me what I probably was like when I was your age. Eugene, for being my first love. Rommel, for making me feel like I wanted to be in love. Quiti and Mommy Tess, for always listening and sharing your stories and experiences with me. Bomps, thanks for finally getting married!! Ralph, Chaz, Gavin and Jiji, for being such wonderful bekis. (I super miss you gays). Daddy Olj, for teching me the importance of teamwork. Mosman, for always believing. Joan and Yanna, for the good times and serious talks. Randy, for being the only straight guy friend whom I can tell beki-stories to. My entire Mafia Family, thanks for all the help and gifts! (Esp John France). And of course, Alex Bernardo, Im hoping that you will be the one who will look into the future with me.

I thought only relationships ended, but the feelings stayed with the person; to look back on and smile when the hurt has gone. Was I ever wrong. The human heart can only take so much abuse. My heart has been used, abused and discarded. Since the start of this so-called relationship, I was on the losing end. But I did not turn out to be the loser.

I compromised, bargained, pleaded and now, I eventually decided to simply not care. I have no hopes of ever getting back together with him. He always will remain my son’s father, but that is all he will be from now on. I decided to go back to being myself. No longer would I care if he approves of everything about me. His family may be good to me, but he definitely is not.

I wanted so badly to work things out that I ended up losing myself in the process. I was not brought up by my parents to take abuse from someone. Anyone. He never hurt me physically, but the emotional wounds he left are deep, and hurts much more than a blow.

I have always been a fighter, but I could not bring myself to stand up to him. I did not know what sort of hold he had on me that I could never resist his apologies, smiles and text messages after a misunderstanding. I would tell myself that this would be the last time I would forgive. Then another incident occurs, and I still end up forgiving for the Nth time.

Ralph was gay enough to lend me the book “Wicked”. The story behind the Wicked Witch of the West. It tackled why she acted the way she did in The Wizard of Oz. The way I understand it, Elphaba was not purely evil. She was a mother to Liir, a lover to Fiyero, a friend to Galinda, a daughter to Frex and a sister to Nessarose as well. She had a “family”. Elphaba was opinionated, strong-willed and simply did not care what other people thought. I admired her because she could say “No” to Fiyero, who meant the world to her. From the words written by Gregory Maguire, I interpreted that she loved Fiyero more than her own son, Liir. But she could still say “two weeks from now” when Fiyero would ask when they’d meet again. I never was that strong-willed. My priorities got messed up when he would subtly imply that he wanted to be with me. I would miss out on work, friend’s reunions and family gatherings to be with him.

Never Again. I will not try to bargain anymore, I am worth so much more than he could ever realize. I will no longer hope for his love, as it was never given to begin with. I will no longer degrade myself by apologizing for things I did not commit. Hell, I will not even try to save him by turning him into a Scarecrow like Elphaba did with Fiyero.

And to you, you know who you are: I always had a special place in my poor old heart for you, but you left me with no choice but to start not caring. I would like to leave you with a couple of lines from Defying Gravity:

“Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instinct
Close my eyes and leave

It’s time to try defying gravity
I feel like trying to defy gravity
And you can’t pull me down..”

Adios.

Lora and Blu are working things out.
They still want to be together.

Lora is now with a different call center company.
Much better than her previous one.

Blu is now putting his skills to good use.
He has a job with Ayala Land.

Its nice to get back on track.

Its over.

Lora and Blu separated on May 5, 2009.

What I thought was a beautiful relationship was shredded and demolished by shander. I no longer feel angry nor hurt about this. I am, however; hurting for my son Koko. He lost his Tatay to his godfather.

For months now, I felt as if I was slowly losing Kiko to his friends. He preferred to go on roadtrips and drinking sessions with friends rather than spend time with me and Koko. Im not one to say that roadtrips are bad. I actually enjoyed going on roadtrips. These trips are what made Lora and Blu into Loraandblu, the blog. But when Koko was born, I had to make a change in my priorities. Koko came first. Then Nina and Kiko. Family.

On Cinco de Mayo, the battle was lost. Like the French, I waved the white flag and surrendered. I did not want to fight anymore. I felt drained by it all. I did not lose Kiko to another girl... I lost him because he chose to be with friends instead of family. I wanted to cry but no tears would come. I know one day teh tears would come gushing from my eyes, but not now. I still have to compose myself and get my life back in order.

It seems that since Shander arrived back from Kuwait, all Kiko could think about was go on motorcycle trips with him and our other friends. I did not try to hold him back, but at this time when our finances are down, I expected more from Kiko. I have no doubts about his love for Koko. I know that he dearly loves his son. He just needs to get his priorities straight.

I do not want to dwell on the past. I want to look ahead into the future and see what kind of life my two kids and I would be having. With my sisters and Mom supporting me all the way, I know I can make it. While it may take some time, I will be taking everyday with new hopes and dreams for a better future.

I would like to thank God for finally showing me that even alone, He is with me. He is with me through my family and friends. He is with me in my heart.

Even if lora and blu are no longer together, a reminder will always be here that once upon a dream, they were. That is Koko, my son. May he grow up to be good person, may he always love his mom and his sister, along with his aunts and grandparents. May he not have hatred in his heart for his Tatay, who loved him but cannot be with him anymore.

AHHH!! Im back to taking calls! It finally sunk in.

I am now "married" to the avaya. I can no longer get up and say "Its time" whenever I want. I now have a break schedule to be strictly followed. I have to set up my tools at least ten minutes prior to taking calls.

In the middle of biliran surfing, a call comes in and I quickly alt-tab'd to the ExpeRT homepage. "Thank you for calling, my name is Deanne. May I have your name please?" Alt-tab alt-tab alt tab... (where is my fr****n notepad?!) alt-tab alt-tab... (ayun) ... Hello Caroline, how may assist you today? Alt-tab type type type (ah sa Gocheap sya)... blah blah blah blah...

Lets look at my stats... hmmm.. 3 calls 4.41minutes average talk time. Not bad for a newbie...

Bongga is in the middle of a near-sup call. "You are not listening to me... we havent charged you anything yet..."

Babette is doing something quietly. (mumbling)

Tere is taking another call. "so this is for.."

I love first days.

I am tired. I am angry. I am numb.

For three plus years, I was on the email team. WAS. I am now undergoing training, along with ten other team mates, for a different LOB. WWTE. Hay, karma karma karma chameleon.

My "favorite" agent was from this team. I remember waiting for her to give me more material for an article in this blog. Her famous "we are operating a standard procedure" line made me smile even on my darkest hours. Now, I will be on the same team.

We had a meeting on the 24th and this was when Jobel announced the movement from email to wwte. I was hoping and praying that the stats used to determine the agents for the movement will be the last three months stats. If this was the case, I hopefully had a chance to stay on my beloved team. But if they used either the annual appraisal, or an average from 2008, I had no chance. My average rating was an S. Not that I didnt know what I was doing, I knew the ins and outs of how the email team works. I am knowledgeable in client specs, especially my favorite queue - WWTE. But I did NOT want to take WWTE calls.

Jobel anounced the names by rank for the GY team. Cris, Gi, Ianne, Shayne, Kit, Philline. Damn. Neri was crying. Ianne and Shayne were too. I wanted to scream. At that time, I thought, ITS TIME. Its time to say goodbye to this company. They downgraded our Maxicare plan, they make us go to our stations with only a 3"X6" pouch in hand (how can you fit the following in a 3"X6" pouch: loose powder, compact mirror, comb, 2 tubes of lipstick, lipgloss, eyeliner, blusher, wallet and VS body spray). They do not have competitive incentives and salaries. They have managers who seemingly manipulate stats to make favorites or lovers look good. They will charge you 5K if you lose your headset, but do not take measures to prevent headsets from being stolen from your work station. Etcera blah blah blah.

Our manager was lurking outside the meeting room and went in just as I was asking Jobel "what if all ten agents resign?". His response was, resignation is not an option. This was when he went in to explain what set of stats were used in the movement, how this was something he fought, how he did not want to let us go. At this point, I was not hearing anything. I wanted to give him the "dead air" spiel. I was asking questions in the way they entered my mind...jumbled. I was not making sense. I just had to say someting. I had to show him that I was hurt. I had to speak in behalf of Shayne and Ianne who were sobbing freely. I knew at that time that nothing more could be done. I was going to be transferred and I WILL be taking calls again. I wanted to say " P****a! mas magaling ako di hamak kay Cherfer, pero maiiwan sya? Sa akin pa nagtatanong ng irereply si Chuva pero maiiwan sya? May utak ba kayo?" But I also knew that my stats said it all. I became too relaxed for 2008 and ended up having mediocre stats. shit.

Before the meeting, I have replied to 55 emails already. Since our quota was to hit at least 8 emails per hour, I figured I just needed 25 more and I was set. I had plenty of time to spare, around three hours. After the meeting, I sent my logs to Jobel with a total of 56 emails replied. I had no more desire to reply to emails. I did not have the energy.

Mars 1 and Mars 2, as well as Shayne, were seriously contemplating on how many days notice to give. 15 or 30? Immediate resignation? They were as appalled at taking calls as I was. Mars1 and her child Gavin could very well be provided for my her family. Mars2, being a member of a jewelry-magnate family (suarez wedding rings and suarez and sons), will very well survive without a job. Shayne, the newly licensed nurse of the email team, has more job options open to her now that theres an RN after her name. If Kit wanted to resign, his finances would not suffer too much. His family owns a manning agency and I know it is a lucrative business.

If I didnt have a family, I could very well have walked out from that meeting room and sent my resignation via email the following day. But since Koko, Kiko and I will not survive on the shops earnings alone, I figured I could not afford to be a bitch. I could give a 30-day notice, which will leave me ample time to get a new job. But then, it would not ease the pain. What hurt me the most is that after almost four years in this company, I might have no choice but to resign. What a stupid reason to resign - I didnt want to take calls. But I really am tempted to be stupid.

Training started last Monday. We basically tackled an overview of wwte. I felt sleepy. I kept on dozing off. I wanted to go home and sleep beside Kiko and Koko. I wanted to be replying to emails, not listening to "what is wwte" bull. I wanted to be in the 5th floor, copying and pasting from my templates to the ExpeRT page. I wanted to be able to turn to my seatmate, whether it be Jules, Nikki, Shayne or Red, and say ITS TIME. I wanted to enjoy seeing my docs multi colored docs page for logs which had a reminder "hit at least 60, dont forget your quality" (I never changed it from when we had to reply to only 6 emails per hour).

Last night, our conversion class double-jacked with the GY team and this was when it hit me. I really was going to be part of this team. Bebeh (mr manubay), assured me even before training that he would not leave me to fend for myself. He said he would take care of me and my other team mates. I learned that not all agents were as savvy when it came to "making palusot" to customers. Some did not have the "skill" to make an airline change fee sound like chocolate dipped strawberries to the customer. One agent did not even know what to advise the customer since the PNR she pulled up was already "purged". The fare rules could not be competely viewed. She kept on looking at the historical notes and went back to the caller stating that there will be a $200 change fee for the flights. This made my ears and heart hurt more.

I may never get over this movement. I may simply walk away from everything, taking Kiko, Koko, Nina, Blu and Lora to the mountains and live on boiled kamote. Or I may simply polish up my skills in tuning up motorcycles so I could simply help Kiko out with the shop. Life would be greasy and dirty but we might manage to scrape off a decent living as a tandem for the KIKStart Shop. But then, the image of Koko and Nina writing "motorcycle mechanic" on "Mother's Occupation" popped into my head. I did not want that for my kids.

My only source of happiness these days are Nina, Kiko and Koko. They make me forget my work worries. Sometimes they also provide more head aches than work gives me, but I love them. I only hope that God will give us all enough strength to overcome whatever is in store.

When Kiko and I met, I was already overweight. Two years into our relationship, after giving birth to Koko, I gained even more.

Kiko used to indulge me with my favorite sources of nutrition... pizza, nachos, pasta and kare-kare to name a few. When we eat out, we always order extra rice. We always upsize our coke and fries. The more, the merrier. When we went on our motorcycle trips, we always had plenty to eat. We loved inihaw na kahit ano. Inihaw na baboy, inihaw na manok, inihaw na tilapia, bangus, kahit ano nga eh. Our trips were always memorable because we had fun, we rode hard and we ate good food.

December of 2008 was when Quiti and I both resolved that come 2009, we would begin our quest for weight loss. New Year's day came and went. So did the Feast of the Three Kings. No Diet. No weight loss.

Kiko finally put his foot down a few days before Valentines.

I think I mentioned before that Kiko was a personal trainer at Fitness First when we met. At the same time, he was a co-owner of the now defunct URC motorcycle shop. You would think that an ex-personal trainer would always want a sexy girlfriend. But thats not how it was for us.

As we were watching TV, I felt his eyes on me. I thought he was just admiring my beauty (wahahaha)... then he said, "ang taba taba taba mo na. baboy ka na". That jolted me back to reality. He then decided that I would start working out the following day.

The dreaded day came too soon. I was still enjoying the few hours left till I had to leave for work when he said "huy, mag work out ka na, lets go". Then he started by making me do squats. I never had to do squats, not even during my C.A.T. days. I tried to do some, but those were not counted because kiko said they were improperly done. He taught me how to do "proper" squats. He made me stand back against a chair, and had me touch my butt ever so slightly to the seat and get back into position 1 again. I had to endure this 30 times, until I could do no more.

He made me walk and walk until I was able to get some feelings in my legs again. Then, lunges were next. He made me do "proper" lunges for 20 reps. Then he made me do some stretching. And more stretching. My legs felt wobbly. Then I had to shower and go to work. Imagine how I felt when I saw that the escalator of the MRT- North Station was not working. I had to take the stairs as the elevator was super crowded.

The following day, same excercises were made. I still wanted to cry by the time we got to the 10th squat. Then he took me to the UP oval to jog.

After jogging, I bought taho and another jogger came over. He was talking to the taho vendor and from their conversation, I learned that a 61-year old man died while jogging at the UP oval that morning. I felt shivers down my spine because I found out that the guy who died was also over weight and wanted to trim down. It was too late for him now. But maybe not yet for me.

Kiko is a very strict personal trainer. He pushes me to my limit. He drives me to do better than last time. He encourages me to raise that leg higher, to run further, to keep my throbbing arms up longer. He now has me jotting down my food intake just so that I can take a look at what I had for the day. He doesnt have me counting calories, because he knows I'll only cheat. He tells me that I can eat what I like, as long as it's in moderate amounts. He tells me that he doesnt really want me to have a joyce-jimenez-body, he just wants me to tone up and be cherry-pie-picache-like. That's what I kove about my Kiko. He supports me in what I do, and believes that I can succeed. After all, there really is no excuse for being overweight. Its a decision that has to be done for YOURSELF, not for anyone else.

Lets see where this gets me in about two months....

I am a fan of the Metro Rail Transit.

It shortens my travel time from the office to Quezon City by almost an hour. Taking a bus from PeopleSupport to QC means enduring around two hours of torture. However, taking the MRT from Buendia to GMA Station takes only 20 to 30 minutes. A jeepney ride to Zuzuaregui St. from GMA takes only 15 minutes, because the drivers in that area all have death wishes. It appears that they all want to meet Hades while traversing through Commonwealth Avenue.

What I hate about the MRT is the type of person I like to call a pole-hogger/ pole-hugger. These are the people who do not care if other commuters do not have anything to hold on to. They just wrap their arms around the metals poles, while some of them completely hog the pole by leaning back on it. Holding on to the pole while a person is hogging and hugging it is uncomfortable for me because I feel that I am violating their personal space. My arm or elbow would end up an inch from their faces, their boobs or their ass. Because I am not one to violate a persons "space", I usually try holding on to the straps provided, but it is quite hard too given that I am only 5'2". The straps can only easily accomodate people standing around 5'5".

Last night, upon getting on the train at Buendia Station, I hurriedly tried to grasp the pole nearest to where I was so that I would not get thrown off balance when the train advanced. This girl pole hogger was leaning back against the pole while chatting animatedly with her friend who was also leaning back against the drivers' area. She had long hair and was defenitely smaller than I. I excused myself and proceeded to hold on to the pole. She did not budge, and kept chatting to her friend about her co-workers lust for her. I tried to make ahem noises and said "excuse me" again, to no avail. Guadalupe Station; more people entered and she still did not budge from the pole. Her big brown and green bag was also placed in such a way that it would be hard to approach from one side. I still held on to the pole as she continued enumerating all her co-workers who were apparently in love/lust with her. I was wondering "San kaya bababa tong bruha na to?". Annapolis Station was when I had a brillant (in my opinion) idea.

I slowly wound my pinkie and ring finger around several strands of her hair and kept it that way. All this time, I was glancing around to make sure that nobody noticed what I was doing.

When the recorded voice announced "Cubao Station, Cubao Station", majority of the women got ready to alight the train. I tightened my grip of the bar and a resounding "ARAY!" was heard as she tried to get off the train. Her head was pulled back as I innocently kept her hair wound on my fingers while holding the pole. I said "oh, sorry." and let go of her hair. When the doors closed, I muttered "pole hogger bitch" under my breath and the lady beside me laughed. She said, "nakita ko ginawa mo, kanina ko pa rin nga gusto sabunutan eh". I just smiled.

20 Minutes after boarding the train, I alighted at GMA Station with a bounce in my walk and headed off without a thought for pole hoggers. At least, not until tomorrow.

At Daddy's house, Kiko and I were having spaghetti for dinner. I had Koko on my lap while eating and chatting with my sisters and Kiko. I turned briefly to say something to my sister. When I faced the table again, a cute little hand was already busy playing with my spaghetti. The dainty fingers were squeezing the life out of every strand of pasta. It was such a cutie moment that I couldn't help but take some pictures before I finally untangled the spaghetti from the naughty little boys' hand.

When dinner was finally done, it seemed as if my baby boy was not finished with his gnawing time... and this is what he chewed on next:

What would you do if the one you love cheated on you? Would you forgive and forget? Or would you forgive and let go?

A note was passed to me, written by a team mate who recently broke up with her boyfriend. As I was reading her note, I felt angry. Not at the guy who cheated on her, but at her. She should not have let the guy treat her that way. I believe that intelligent women usually lack common sense in the heart-department, but I also think that no one should be that much in love and giving to the extent that you are already being taken advantage of. You should not be a doormat to the person you love and adore. Because the person you love, and supposedly loves you back, should never treat you that way.

People truly in love should complement each other. They should respect each other. If you feel that your significant other is already cheating on you, it would be better to face reality and discuss it as soon as possible with him. What is the point of waiting two months, missing him, pining for him, while he basks in the glory of a new-found love in the form of the other girl?

The moment you feel something, that small tinge that tells you something is wrong... something definitely is. Women should rely on their intuition, because, 90% of the time, it is accurate. There is no point in asking your ex to "come clean" and tell you up-front that he cheated. Because that would only make you ask yourself, why? Was it because I was clingy? Was it because she looks better? what does she have that I don't? Is she sweeter, more caring, more seductive or a better lover that I am? You would only torment yourself with these questions, only to find out that you are better off without him. Without that cheating ex of yours.

I must admit, I once acted this way, about 5 or 6 years ago. This was when I believed so much in the power of love that I was blinded to his small signals that something was wrong. I found out the hard way that love, no matter how strong, may break in the presence of temptation, at the excitement of a new lusty rendezvous with another partner, or simply break because men by nature are polygamous. I remember being so heart broken that I could not speak without crying. Every place I went seemed to remind me of him. Until I realized that I was not the loser here. He lost. He lost me. I may be the victim, but I am surely not the loser.

Finding love after a tough breakup, that's hard. You may feel the urge to run into the arms of someone else, and mistake that feeling for love. When in fact, it is just the feeling of security, that someone will be taking care of you, cuddle and kiss you, that makes you stay in that new relationship. memories of the old relationship would be merged with the present, and you cannot help but compare. Then you'd realize that you were wrong, again, in your decision to love once more.

Love is not something to seek out. It will find you at the right time, at the right place. Love that feels "against all odds" may be more passionate, but rarely lasts. Love, like respect, is earned and not given outright. If you need to say to goodbye, say it and move on. There is no use in keeping memories that will only make you cry for now. Those memories, however, are good for when you need a good laugh, maybe 5-10 years from now, when you are already with the one you truly deserve.

Through all my heart breaks and pain, love sought and found me. After years of feeling empty even in the arms of another, love gave me another chance. I was not looking for it, nor did I know that it was him. Our relationship is a work in progress, it is not perfect. But I know, I feel and I am sure that its him. I am glad that I parted ways with my cheating exes. I am glad that they bought me pain, because now I can enjoy the sunshine that Kiko brought with him when he came into my life.